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love jeans co uk::I mean i stopped eating.
I was getting calories in but in unhealthy amounts.
At the end of march i weighed 157 pounds.
Less than three weeks later i weighed 150 pounds.
I do know that there are certain behaviors that were fueling my desire to not eat food.
One of them being challenging myself to go longer durations before eating.
First it was an hour after i left gym, then it was challenging myself to go two hours after leaving the gym before eating.
Three hours followed close behind until i was trying to go up to four hours.
It was to keep my panic in check.
It was a good plan to work through the panic but it was poorly planned and executed.
Another behavior was throwing food away.
It was also taking away necessary calories.
As time went on, the amount of food i was packing for the day was getting smaller.
But the food i was throwing away was staying the same.
The final behavior is my relationship with the scale.
Upwards to 15 a day.
A fear of gaining: maybe.
A desire to keep losing: maybe.
I am not healthy.
My heart rate is up.
My stomach hurts all the time.
The reason i am writing this post is because over the course of the last couple of days, someone in my life came forward and called me on my shit.
That i needed to choose.
I have other things i need to focus on in order to get my mind right and more importantly get my body back to being healthy.
I need to eat.
I need to eat often.
I gave it away.
When i walked into gym yesterday morning i did so with scale in hand.
The only thing i can liken it too was when i had to give up my paraphernalia when i was getting clean.
This morning when i woke up i stood where my scale would normally be and cried.
Not only did my friend call me out on my shit and make boundaries for her own emotional well being, so did.
He said if i continued down this unhealthy path, then the trainings would discontinue.
I want to be on their side of healthy.
Figuring out how i got here and figuring out how to not stay here.
Loving myself enough to know that while eating right now is difficult it is necessary.
Crying and laughing, then quickly going back to crying.
Then taking a deep breath and moving on to the best of my ability.
With my friend by my side.

posted by wels @ 9:32 AM